LAWS OF DATING contd.

THOU SHALT NOT IGNORE WARNING SIGNS.

The story of the Titanic ended up with more than 1500 people swallowed by the ocean. This tragedy would have been avoided if the captain and the crew had not ignored warning signs. The Titanic began receiving warning signals approximately 3 days before the tragedy that it was too dangerous to be sailing in that region of the sea that night because of the existence of icebergs in the sea. A ship 20 miles away actually sent a message to the Titanic that it actually stopped because of the many icebergs in the sea and advised the Titanic to also halt. In spite of all the warnings, Titanic continued to cruise full speed ahead that fateful night. In the excitement of sailing this large, “unsinkable” and luxurious ship, the captain failed to heed warning signs and destroyed both his life and the lives of over 1500 people on board the Titanic.

Relationships can be exciting at the onset. At the onset, both parties involved in the relationship put up their best to impress the other. So you don't really know the person on first date. A lot of people can make attempts to show you only their good sides but I've come to observe that no matter how long and desperate someone tries to hide his/her weakness, it always shows up. That's a good thing. It helps you truly know the person and come up with a decision whether to go on with the relationship of dump him/her on time. A person is not truly known if all you know about him/her are his/her strength. A combination of a man's strength and weakness summarizes his/her character. It lets you know whether you will be safe in that relationship. One of the most powerful purpose of relationship is enhancement (the enhancement of both parties).

Ecclesiastes 4:9 says, "Two are better than one; because the have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up the other..."

There are weaknesses you find in someone that can become destructive to his or her partner. This will eventually destroy the relationship and hurt the persons involved. These kind of destructive weaknesses are what you should see as warning signs.

Don’t be caught up in the excitement of your relationship that you fail to heed warning signs.  Many marriages are on the rocks today because the people involved ignored obvious warning signs while they were dating. I am going to share 6 major warning signs with you that I don’t mean you should work on improving but should make you break up the relationship the moment it is detected.

1)      Abuse. This encompasses a broad range of aggressive behaviours, including physical, verbal, emotional, and sexual behavior.

a) Physical Abuse: any use of strength or presence to hurt or control someone.

 This include striking such as punching, slapping, striking your partner with an object that would cause harm or inflict injury, kicking, kneeing, and head-butting, Pushing, Pulling, Shaking. These things are done to put the other one under control. It is very destructive. When your partner becomes physically abusive, if you don't want to destroy your life, I advice you to dump him/her right now. Don't pray for the person to change. Take the advise of the Scripture - "flee every appearance of evil."

2) Verbal Abuse:

Any use of words or voice to control or hurt another person. Threats to harm; Insults and name calling qualify as abuse. People that never see any good in you or in anything you do are open to constant criticism. If care is not taken, he/she will make you develop a low self-esteem which is very destructive.

You are constantly yelled at, called names and humiliated verbally either in public or in privacy. He/she blames you for his/her own mistakes. He/she threatens to harm you or self-harm if you leave the relationship.

He makes you feel guilty by always giving you the impression that you are the one with problems and not him/her.

Emotional Abuse:

Bruises and broken bones are potential signs of physical abuse, but emotional abuse leaves no obvious marks. "Emotional abuse is about someone manipulating your emotions on a psychological level and it goes beyond simple verbal bullying." Emotional abusers may come across as bullies, yet they are often "silent monsters" that fake affection while knowing precisely how to manipulate situations, hurt and humiliate their victims and do whatever it takes to stay in control of the situation and their victims.

Even though emotional abusers can quickly explain away or make excuses for their abusive behaviour, they know exactly what they’re doing. Emotional abusers are masters of manipulation, lying, intimidation and guilt. They’ve been perfecting what they do to people ever since they were little -- and they chose to be this way. They don’t want to change and they don’t care who they hurt as long as no one suspects them, and the situation works for them.

In the following areas, ask these questions to see if you are abusing or being abused:

a)  Humiliation, degradation, discounting, negating, judging, criticizing:

• Does he/her make fun of you or put you down in front of others?
• Do he/her tease you, use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you?
• When you complain does he/her say that “it was just a joke” and that you are too sensitive?
• Does he/her tell you that your opinion or feelings are “wrong?”
• Does he/her regularly ridicule, dismiss, disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?

• 

b)  Domination, control, and shame:

• Do you feel that the person treats you like a child? Someone less significant?
• Does he/she constantly correct or chastise you because your behaviour is “inappropriate?”
• Do you feel you must “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even small decisions?
• Does he/she control your spending?
• Does he/she treat you as though you are inferior to him/her?
• Does he/she make you feel as though he/she is always right? And you are always wrong?
• Does he/she constantly remind you of your shortcomings?
• Does he/she belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, your plans or even who you are?
• Does he/she give disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behaviour?

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c)      Accusing and blaming, trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations, denies own shortcomings.

• Is he/she extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of him/her or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
• Does he/she have trouble apologizing?
• Does he/she make excuses for his/her behaviour or tend to blame others or circumstances for their mistakes?
• Does he/she call you names or label you as unfit?
• Does he/she blame you for their problems or unhappiness?
• Does he/she continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests?

d)  Emotional distancing and the “silent treatment,” isolation, emotional abandonment or neglect:

• Does he/she use pouting, withdrawal or withholding attention or affection when you do what he/she terms as inappropriate as punishment?
• Does he/she play the victim to deflect blame onto you instead of taking responsibility for his/herr actions and attitudes?
• Does he/she not notice or care how you feel?
• Does he/she not show empathy (being considerate) or ask questions to gather information?

e)    Co-dependence and enmeshment:

• Does he/she not treat you as a separate person but instead as an extension of himself/herself?
• Does he/she not protect your personal boundaries and share information that you have not approved?
• Does he/she disrespect your requests and do what he/she thinks is best for you?

 If you suspect you're in an emotionally abusive relationship, answer these questions:

• Is he/she always blaming you for problems in your relationship?
• Do your conflicts really ever get resolved?
• Is he/she always controlling the relationship or you?
• Are you constantly confused or insecure about where the relationship is going?
• Does he/she run hot and cold, fly into rages out of the blue and blame you for them?
• Do you feel trapped or cornered?
• Does he/she put you on a guilt trip for expressing your opinion -- or are you afraid to even express your feelings or opinions?
• Do you feel like you're always walking on eggshells for fear you'll say the wrong thing?
• Is everything you do or say being scrutinized or judged by him/her?
• Does he/she make you feel worn down mentally and physically until you just give in to what he wants?

"If you answer yes to these questions, I would tell you that it is not normal. You are being emotionally abused. As a victim, no matter what you are being told, you must know that it is not your fault and know that the abuser has no intention of changing. The only thing you can do is leave. Break the relationship and stay away from this person. Never go back.

• Sexual abuse: any sexual behaviour, verbal or physical, engaged in without consent, which may be emotionally or physically harmful.

Don’t ever justify any form of abuse. Don’t even give excuses for the one that abuses you. Excuses like “He/she doesn’t really mean it.”

Continued in the next post........